Stars Aflame
by Isinglass Queen
Summary: After TLJ: The Force bond between Rey and Ben survived Snoke's demise and it continues to bring them together. Despite being worlds apart, Rey and Ben must face the truth about their feelings and their the consequences.


**A/N: After the events of The Last Jedi, in a year leading up to The Rise Of Skywalker - a story inspired by some of the footage from the new trailers, heavily focused on Reylo (duh!), eventually, in further chapters, I will go against whatever the plot of TROS is (unless JJ made a shameless Reylo romance, that is...)**

**Naturally, no copyright infringement intended, I own nothing but the plot! **

**Hope you'll enjoy this little fanfic!**

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Chapter 001: Twenty-two days

It's been days since The Supremacy – twenty-two standard days, to be exact. And I am exact, I have counted days ever since I could count – and I still feel like I'm dreaming. But not in a way the good dreams can be – warm and full of laughter.

No – this felt, and continues to feel, like a nightmare. I am split in two: the half of me is here on Yavin with the few Resistance fighters that are still alive after the fiasco on Crait. I go about my day just like everyone else. There's so much to do and so few of us. I am grateful to be alive, and to be with my friends. I hunt for food in the boundless jungles of this beautiful planet, I train with Finn or Poe, I study the Jedi books that I took from Ahch-to for any clue on how to fix a lightsaber broken in a half (a hint: you can't). I smile a lot.

And there is the other half of me: she has just been offered the whole galaxy. There's a hand outstretched towards her and all she wants is to take it. Not because of what is being given to her. She could not care less. She wants it, no, she craves it, because of _who_ is offering. No matter what I am doing on Yavin, I am also there, in Snoke's throne room, stuck in the very moment that broke my heart. It replays itself on an endless, vicious loop.

I am standing there and Ben looks at me and there's this need in his piercing eyes, need so desperate that it makes every last drop of blood inside me sing in drunken awe. He needs me. _He_, the powerful, unpredictable and brave to the point of arrogance, yet utterly troubled soul needs _me_ – a nobody from nowhere. This is what I want, what I've always wanted – to be needed. It is for this very reason I did not think twice before helping a stranger and a funny round droid. It made me feel needed, even if no one actually said "Rey, we need you."

Ben did. He begged, his voice broken down to a whisper.

We are standing there, amidst all the destruction we caused, blind to anything but each other and I know that it would only take a few steps, I wouldn't even have to say anything. I could just take his hand. It would be that simple. And I want this so much. I want it more than I have wanted anything in my entire life, which says a lot, because my whole life's been just about wanting things that are out of reach.

We look at each other, and the moment drags. It has lasted twenty-two days now. Twenty-two days of my heart breaking into pieces. Twenty-two days of pain I keep on inflicting on myself. Twenty-two days I have been stuck in the nightmare of my own making.

Because when I reached out, it was not to take his hand. And I have to live with the consequences.

"Rey! Are you coming?!" Finn's voice brings me back to Yavin. Or, at least the half of me. "The shield will be activated any minute now, we gotta hurry!" he says and I force the muscles of my face to a smile. Finn doesn't know that I was _this_ close to ruling the galaxy by Supreme Leader Ren's side. Ruling, or watching it burn, perhaps. No one does. Like many things, it is just between me and Ben. I never knew I would have secrets like that. And yet, here we are.

Or, at least, here the half of me is.

"Yeah, I'm coming! Sorry, I thought I saw something behind," I make up a vague lie and hurry to catch up with Finn.

"Like what? An Ewok?" Finn stops and instantaneously takes up his binoculars to scan the lush forest. There's nothing to see, obviously. And no one has seen a single Ewok since we landed here. In fact, no one has seen an Ewok since the battle of Endor, but Finn starts every day with deep certainty he will be the one to change that. I've heard Ewoks like to eat human flesh, so I don't share his enthusiasm on this matter.

"Um, more like some kind of bird or something. Not worth pursuing, though, we've got enough" I say, pushing him gently ahead. He is right, if we are late, the shield around the Resistance base will be activated and we will have to spend the night in the jungle. Ewoks or no Ewoks, not the most pleasant perspective, not even for the half of me present here. Sure we would have a fat runyip to eat – which is more than enough to feed a dozen of people – but there is also a good chance we would be eaten by some other kind of animal for which we don't even have a name.

When we finally reach the base, we are both pretty exhausted – we have been dragging our heavy prey for good few hours. We don't complain, though. We never do. We are lucky to be alive. Most of the Resistance was not.

I force myself not to think about how much of a fool I was to hope Ben would cease the attack on the Resistance ships, back then on The Supremacy. I force myself not to think at all.

It never works. I am there, the walls of the throne room are burning in a spectacle as horrifying as it is beautiful, and I have been stuck there for twenty-two days, with Ben whispering "Please", to which I say nothing, because if I open my mouth I will fall apart. Besides, what is there left to say? We have made our choices.

A few people run up to Finn and I, to help with the dead runyip, and in the flurry of activity I manage to excuse myself. If I am quick, I might just make it in time to one of the old watch towers to see the shield activated. I haven't missed it once in these twenty-two days, although I could not explain what the appeal is. It's not much of a spectacle, really – you can only spot the shield's electric blue veil for a second or two before it fades into darkening sky. Still, I feel almost compelled to see it every evening. Just another thing to mark the passage of time, much like the scratched marks I used to make on the wall of my At-At back on Jakku. Unlike then, when I would count the days until my parents come back to save me from that wretched place, now I am not so sure what I am counting down to here. Or, maybe, I simply don't want to know.

I lingered on the watch tower just to admire the scenery for a little longer and listen to eerie songs of nocturnal birds, so when I get back to the base it's almost dark outside. Our base itself is not much more than a complex of bunkers connected with a network of tunnels, so, naturally, majority of our time on Yavin is spent underground. I suppose this is why I volunteer to hunt almost every day: it's a sin to sit under the ground when you are on a planet as stunning as this one. It is also not easy to be stuck all day long in confined concrete boxes with frustrated, or borderline depressed people. No one is going to say it out loud, but the future looks bleak right now.

Before I enter one of the bunkers, I lean against the nearest giant tree and just breathe in slowly. The air is crisp and pleasantly cold. I let it fill my lungs and imagine it cooling down my anxious soul, bit by bit, all the way to its darkest corners. I don't really want to go inside, where without doubt I will have to talk to people, smile at people and act as if the whole me was here and nowhere else.

To put it off a little more, I close my eyes and gently reach out in the Force, letting the energy of this ancient tree flow through me. It is invigorating, this quiet pulse, which, when you truly focus on it, is not really a pulse, but an unceasing song of myriad shimmering particles. I let it envelop me completely until I cannot feel the difference between myself, the cold air, the tree I lean on and the ground beneath my feet.

For one glorious moment I am at peace.

One moment and then it all gets taken away. A deep shudder runs through me and I feel a familiar tug forward. All the sounds around me get sucked into nothingness and I cannot believe it, I _will not_ believe it, but it is happening.

Just as undoubtedly as he wasn't there a second ago, he is now standing a mere few steps away from me. Somehow, as always, my eyes fail to register the exact moment he appears here and somehow, just as always, I am shaken to my core. I don't know whether it's the drastic shift in the Force connecting us that has this effect on me, or is it the person I am connected with. I don't want to know, but, of course, I know very well. I am lying to everyone else, perhaps I could stop lying at least to myself.

Ben looks at me with obvious surprise. He must have not expected this to happen either. I wish I could just switch this thing off, this connection that we share, because I cannot even look at him now without also seeing him back then on The Supremacy. Or worse yet, I cannot look at him without remembering the moment when we managed to touch despite being planets apart, and that, consequentially, makes me see once more a glimpse of his future – _our_ future – I saw back then. I wish I could just look away, because all this is breaking my heart, but, at the same time, I don't really want to look away. I don't want to break free from the spell his dark eyes put me under.

He opens his mouth to say something, but then he changes his mind, the words don't come out and I wonder if he can read me now. I don't sense him trying, but I feel too disoriented to trust myself on this. I don't trust myself on anything, not when he is around. Why _is_ he around? And why is he so composed? How does he do it, how does he always manage to remain calm and in control? Come to think of it, the only time I have seen him in any kind of emotional distress was when he begged me to join him.

"Having second thoughts?" he asks. His lips quiver slightly in a poorly concealed smirk. So he _is_ reading me. _Amazing_.

"Why is this still happening?! Snoke is dead, shouldn't _this_ die with him?" I snap, not acknowledging his question. I glare at him. It's quite annoying how he is studying me with an expression of nothing but mild curiosity, while I cannot muster up even an ounce of this Jedi calmness that I stupidly thought I've learnt by now. Why did I think I could in the first place? I am _not_ a Jedi.

He shrugs and shakes his head slightly as if to say "I've got nothing" which annoys me all the more. Surely, he should not be as clueless as I am, given the situation. Surely, I should not be as angry as I am, but – and this I've learnt early on – Ben has a way to make me lose my nerve. He does it effortlessly, I doubt he even knows.

"Well, stop it!" I demand. Perhaps I shouldn't give in to anger so easily, but anger is the only of my feelings that does not terrify me when I'm with Ben. I hope anger is all he sees. I would like to wish everything else away.

"Is that what you want? To stop – this?" he takes a step towards me, and I pray for more rage. I don't want to feel anything else.

Unsurprisingly, I fail.

The way he looks at me, the collected curiosity in his eyes replaced by something darker, something I want to drown in, it's all is too much like twenty-two days ago. I can't help but notice the circles under his eyes and a selfish thought passes my mind. At least I'm not the only one having troubles sleeping.

"What I want is to understand why are you here!" I say. I don't back down, but I don't answer his question either. What's the point? He would see right through the lie. He wouldn't even need the Force to do so.

"Which is where exactly?" he makes a show to look around, even though we both know he cannot see my surroundings. From his perspective, I am on whichever ship he currently resides. The Force that binds us is truly odd.

"Do you honestly think I'll answer that?" I raise an eyebrow at him. "I've expected more of you, _Supreme Leader_" I make the title sound like an insult. Which it is, in a way. Ben flinches, but promptly recovers.

"We can't always have what we've expected, can we," he says with spite, while taking another step towards me. Again, I wish I could look away, but his eyes are too compelling. Despite his harsh tone, there is strange tenderness in his gaze. It makes me panic. I'd rather be angry. Why can't I stay angry?

"Shouldn't you think the exact opposite, you know, being on the dark side and all?" I ask. I hear myself saying these words and it's embarrassing how not-at-all-angry I sound. It is also embarrassing how well I am aware of the itching on my fingertips. What I would really like to do is to reach out and touch him. I clench my fists. I will not give in to this. We've made our choices.

"Do you still believe it's as simple as dark side and light side, Rey?" Ben asks. I shouldn't, but I like the way my name sounds in his mouth. For a moment I drop my gaze to his lips and straight away I know it was a mistake, because now all I can think of is these perfect lips of his on my skin. I feel his eyes on me, searching, perhaps seeing right through me and the blood rushes to blush my cheeks and I've lost, I know I've lost.

"No," I whisper the obvious and look up only to see a reflection of my own desires in his eyes. My body forgets how to breathe and I know we both have lost, all of our choices were wrong, everything is wrong in this galaxy, except for us standing inches apart and still wanting each other so desperately, in spite of everything that we have done.

I fear I am going to die if I continue to resist it, I literally cannot take it any longer, so I make up my mind to let Ben touch me if he decides to try, to let him do _anything_ he wants and I bite back a smile when his eyes widen in shock, as he reads my intentions. Immense relief washes over me and then I really smile, which makes him even more stunned. My small victory lasts only a few seconds, though, because before any of us has a chance to move, to actually do something, the Force bond breaks.

I blink hard a few times, and gape into an empty space where Ben has just stood. It seems unreal that a moment ago he was here and now he is millions and millions miles away. Coming out of the Force bond is like stepping into a very cold, and very lonely shower.

Again, the forest fills with cacophony of sounds, which, after the strangely cosy silence of our Force bond seem way too loud. My body feels numb, my mouth is dry and my heart is pounding like it's done with me. I clench and unclench my fists a few times and look around. I cannot see, nor sense, anyone nearby and I breathe with relief. If anyone saw me talking to myself, they would assume I have gone mad. That is, if they did not see Ben. I wasn't sure whether they would have been able to see him or not. Luke did, that one time on Ahch-to, but Luke was a Jedi master, so, perhaps, he was an exception.

Suddenly, the forest seems very unwelcoming. An intimidating living thing with thousands of menacing eyes in the darkness. I quickly go inside the nearest bunker and head straight to my room, choosing a longer, but less frequented route. The base was made to give shelter to a much larger number of people, and, since there's only a handful of us, everyone got to have their own room. I am grateful for this little luxury that privacy is. The last thing I want right now is to talk to anyone and pretend I am fine.

I am anything but fine.

Once the door to my room close behind me, I hide my face in my hands and slowly count to twenty. Everything inside me is screaming, but I refuse to give in and cry. I am not going to cry. I have managed twenty-two days without a single tear, I can manage a bit longer.

There is a tiny bathroom annex at the back of my room, another luxury which not so long ago seemed beyond my imagination, and I hurriedly take of my clothes and step into the shower. When hot water hits my skin I realise I was shaking with cold. Or maybe it was fever. I stand under the scorching stream until I feel like every cell in my body is boiled. All the while I focus on quietly reciting word I've read in one of the Jedi books:

There is no emotion, there is peace.  
There is no ignorance, there is knowledge.  
There is no passion, there is serenity.  
There is no chaos, there is harmony.  
There is no death, there is the Force.

I remember when I first came across them, they sounded like some kind of magical spell. And, as I read them over and over, like a revelation. They did bring some sort of peace before, but as I am whispering them now, I can't help but think they are nothing but empty sentences. They are the exact opposite of what deep down I believe to be right.

Earlier, when Ben and I faced each other through the Force, something I had worried would never happen again, it was nothing but raw emotions – conflicted and complicated. His proximity alone made my blood caught fire. My own desire terrified me – but only until I decided to make peace with it. Once I made up my mind that this time I will not deny the truth, the truth I was disregarding since The Supremacy, only then I felt at peace.

And the truth was – and is, and will not cease to be, maybe ever: I want Ben more than anything in this world.

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**A/N: please, please hit that comment button and let me know what you think! And, of course, if you are still here - thanks for reading! You made my day!**

***runyip is a large forest animal from Star Wars universe. I found it on wookiepedia, because I am a hopeless nerd :)**


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